Reality

"You can't eat a dream, but reality puts food on the table."

- Hiroshi Nakano, Gravitation

You know, one of the most crushing things in life is when you actually realize this.

Many people have dreams, aspirations, hopes and desires for their future. In fact, the educational syllabus, in their folly actually encourages such.

I feel like a little kid, standing on a cliff, shouting at the vast sea and shouting out my dreams and aspiration.

- An utterly useless act of self-edification.

There are few people on earth who have the solid passion, drive and desire to push all the way, despite the harshness of reality, and yet succeed in the end.

In fact, the percentage of those who strive for their dreams and those who actually end up successful is less then 1%...

As we grow older, we get less disillusioned and more practical. Food, housing, medical, family becomes a priority, and selfish dreams have no room for them.

I keep questioning myself:

IS THIS THE LIFE THAT I WANT?

... I keep drawing the conclusion: I do not have the calibre for it, even if I wanted to.

Dream - Being a director

Reality - Utterly bad memory

It's like asking a colored blind person to be a painter. Can he ever succeed?

I tried streamlining my work, I tried doing all sorts of tricks to remember... but I always screw up.

I don't understand why. It's like some abhorrent force is trying to cause me to stumble all the time.

This industry is one that is completely made out of stress.

Stressed people, stressed faces, stressed words, stressed actions. All become a chain cycle which causes people to become so miserable after awhile that they quit.

My incompetency is reaching a level in which I can't even tolerate my ownself anymore...

I'm even starting to have nightmares.

NIGHTMARES!!!

I can't even remember when was the last time I had series after series of nightmares.

Waking up in cold sweat in the middle of the night, thinking I'm late for work, or because I dreamed that I forgot to do something.

I don't really recall being that forgetful.

Is that forgetfulness?

I know I've always been extremely dedicated to my work, but meticulousness hasn't always been my forte.

Dedication without meticulousness is nothing.

Meticulousness without endurance is nothing.

Endurance without drive is nothing.

Drive without destination is nothing.

What do I want?

The first thing that screams in my head is

1) Get out of this place as soon as possible.

but

2) If you leave, will you ever regret the training it could have given you?

and

3) If you do not leave, could there be greater rewards awaiting you that you never thought of?

My mind is stressed with all these questions aside from those things that I have to do and remember daily.

I'm only a PA. If I ever become an AP, the workload will be increased TENFOLD.

Do I want that? Do I have the endurance to run this race?...

.... I'm going to have to sacrificing a lot of things.

Misery

Work is crazy.

I think crazy is an understatement.

I'm not sure if I'm utterly inapt, useless, retarded or just plain, not trying hard enough.

I can't even handle basic things like getting my forms done correctly, remembering what my actors wore for particular scenes, or even helping my AP get some of the stuff she entrusted to me correctly...

Yeah. I'm useless. Like what she said, I probably can't be trusted anymore...

I really dunno if it is a language barrier, cos as often as possible, the instructions that they give me are in English.

Am I inapt?..... I think I probably am...

Even if I go to work an hour earlier then everybody and leave an hour later then everybody, I am bound to forget stuff.

Every night I sleep in fear and nightmares of what I've forgot to do.

... sometimes I just want to give up everything.

I'm learning. I'm still learning. But the things thrown at me, though it may be presumably little, somehow tends to amplify a hundred times in my mind.

.. a fear of how a sentence can change into Chinese suddenly and I'd be lost

i.e. Hey! Stop that person! He "qin pang" already!

I would run to go stop that person, but when the sentence finishes, I'm lost. Because I have no idea what the hell is "qin pang".

My eyes and legs are just so tired. I feel like crying.

How on earth do these people do this job? Unless I lack something in me that they have and I do not.

I've been pondering about it and I came to a few conclusions

1) Language

People who can speak the same language fluently tend to stick to each other, and communicate each other in the preferable language. This would cause them to unconsciously block out people who do not speak it so well.

2) Memory

I have an extremely bad memory, and I know that myself very well, thats why I try my best to write down everything I need to do in as much of a regimented, systematic way as possible so I would not miss anything. But in an unpredictable industry such as this, how can "system" even work?.... fail.

3) Social

I.. guess... I'm not really that sociable... even if I try my utmost lame effort to do something right. I smile as much as I can, so that other people would not see the frantic warfare that is raging inside me. Sometimes, I smile so much that it becomes fake.... Sometimes, all you need is to look carefully into a person's eyes, to know how much sadness he carries.

4) Stress

My transition from army to work has been nightmarish. SAF and Mediacorp's culture are at the total opposite ends of culture, where work is concerned. One is regimented, one is unpredictable. One is non-communicative, one is extremely communicative. One is full of guys, one is just full of gals..... moreover, I didn't really want to leave SAF due to my attachment with that place...

sigh..

My eyes hurts, my mind hurts, heart aches, my muscle aches and my soul is weary... I just want to stop and scream: "DON'T PROMOTE ME!! DON'T PATH ME TO THE NEXT LEVEL!!" but I know that if I don't, I will never learn.

I must learn.

I am here to learn.

So with a heart of steel, I will endure everything and anything that can be thrown at me.

I WILL NOT LEAVE MEDIACORP WITHOUT TAKING THE UTMOST EXPERIENCE WITH ME!!!

I will make what a normal producer learns in one year, equivalent of ten years.

I will serve.

I will commit.

I will do my best.

I will try harder... one day, somebody will look and say, "good job!" and I know that I have something to add to my resume.

Madness.

Life is in chaos.

... Literally.

I havn't blogged for so long, I'm beginning to amaze myself.

3 things have been preoccupying my life endlessly, virtually causing me to have a "blog"-kage of information to write.

1) Work. - omgwtfgg (I will explain later)

2) World of Warcraft - Hammerbull.

3) Alvin

Firstly, work. Before I actually immerse myself completely in my work and forget completely how my past life has been, let me rant about the extreme changes that work has wrought on my life.

108 hour work week: Record ever. Seriously, even working at SPH in my heyday never amount up to so much.

You know, it would be much worth my effort and my soul if I could get something out of this.

So let me record what skill I would be honing:

A) Micromanagement and Macromanagement:

I realized that I have always been an extremely "single-focused" person my entire life. Give me 1 task, and I will do it magnificently for you. Give me 100, and I would probably die on the spot vomiting blood.

My job requires me to be on the ball at ALL times, during my average of 15 hours work day. Contracts, location requisition, artiste management, crew management and tens of other stuff to keep track at all times. All this WHILE ensuring that the director can get his/her shot correctly, the scene is done with all continuity etc.

B) Creativity

Unlike what many people think, I never really prided myself in my creativity. As much as I do not like to admit, I'm a robot (think: Erasmus), that tries to copy what is esteemed as perfect creativity.

The skill I lack is - Flare. a.k.a Artistic Flare.

To rise up in my industry, you NEED to have this crazy, unstable thing called artistic flare. Entire scenes can change to a beautiful new creation with just a tilt, an out-of-box thinking to massive logistic nightmares.

C) Endurance

So far, endurance seem to be the ultimate key to success at the initial stage. To cope with the long hours, you must forfeit so many things you love and enjoy. However, that does not mean you lose the things you love, but rather you have to create stuff that you enjoy in your work.

... well.. Things I enjoy in my work would probably be mingling with the artistes and directors and understanding their point of view. Even if it is albeit conflicting.

No OT, no off days, no leave (yet: till January). Some people would rather quit on the spot then endure such a nonsensical exploit.

BUT I WILL ENDURE. =)

At least to prove to myself that I can do it.

Army seems like a piece of cake compared to this. Yet the amount of satisfaction you get when you finish a day of work is unparalleled.

Next:

World of Warcraft

Seriously. I think I'm getting addicted to this game. Which is really bad. I don't normally play games that last so long.

It really does have a fantastic game play, storyline and interface. All which combines to make exactly what my prediction in my research paper for MMORPG - The Future of Gaming come true.

- An extremely detailed and well created world

- An economy that is bustling with thousands of items trading every second

- An open communication between administrators and players

- An ever changing culture-scape

- An ever changing timeline

All these were my prerequisites in creating a perfect game.

Well. I didn't really had to look really far. World of Warcraft is there.

But then again. Despite my cautionary advise against getting hooked on that game, here I am playing my balls off.

NB.

Next:

Alvin

Relationship is getting kinda strained. Work is taking an immense toll, and his examination stress doesn't put him in the best of moods either.

I wish things could be better, but my mood has become a lot more volatile and unstable.

... in fact many people has noticed it too.

But I still spend as much free time as I can spare to go out with him.

... I really dunno... Is this working out?

My words tend to sharpen when talking to him.. to the point of cuttingly vicious just to end the conversation.

I'm just really so tired I don't want to talk sometimes. But I know I have to because he will get all moody and stuff.

There are times I just feel like I've wasted hours talking just to pacify him and stop talking.

Maybe I'm still not suitable for a relationship.

Almost every time we talk, it's an argument.

Almost every time we meet, it's a cold war.

Almost every time we argue, it ends up making everything shitty.

I don't recall myself being like this.

Seriously..

Pride, arrogance, complacency, sarcasm, violence... all these are traits that I hate, but why am I showing them to him?

... i've lost my sense of self even.

Sometimes I just want to go into isolation to seal myself out from everything.

But he would do something stupid. I know.

When was the last time I ever felt so unsure?... probably never.

My life is in turmoil.

I just feel so stupid.

.............. I don't even know why I'm doing this.

Army: The Closure of Another Chapter

And thus, I end my life in the army, with really, really memorable times and experiences...
*tears*

So many things to say, so little space to write...
haha...

I dreamed of becoming an officer, of being respected and getting acknowledged for the effort I put in... but that never happened.
Instead, I was given the craziest, happiest, most stressful life ever...

Nothing, nothing I would ever trade for...

I was given a place to change, a place to call my own... Running CSTH was no mean feat, given the condition it was handed over... But bit by bit, every effort made the mark, and people's hearts changed...

I'm so, so going to miss the times I spent over there.. Even in the last few weeks, I could not bring myself to leave the office for my half-day leaves... (which I incidentally took so I could 1) use the gym, 2) finish the documents for my under study)

There will always be the people in my heart who will remain, the five generations of AVA:

1st Gen (The Legends)
- Ryan
- Suzuki
- Ben Lim
- Elden
- Yao Qing
- Hock Lai
- Andy Koh

2nd Gen
- Leighton
- Raymond
- Zhong Da
- Me!

3rd Gen
- Pritampal
- Andy Tan
- Javier (Exam IC)
- Eric (currently in EP)
- Bryner
- Kesavan

4th Gen
- Joshua
- Teck Sing
- Jia Tong
- Kavin
- Ben

5th Gen
- Peter
- Ian Russell
- Wan Tong

Haha... I doubt most of them would read my blog, but I still would like to thank each and everyone of them for giving me back my life in the army.

No. Unlike what most people who are released from the SAF think,
I do not think that I wasted my time in the army.

I made friends with the most craziest, unimaginably, boisterous, rowdy, street-smart, bunch of people ever.
They opened my eyes to what another side of life is like.

Friends?

Haha... I don't think so. They're pretty much almost like brudders to me already. =)



Finally, I shall summarize my entire army life into a complete time line:

15/09/07
Enlisted for BMT, Hawk Coy, Section 2, Platoon 4
Thank You!
- Eugene Chieng (My bed buddy)
- Ronald (Super funny and encouraging guy)
- Nicholas Lim (The optimist)
- Bernard (The hardworking giant)
- Kelvin (Sunshine boy!)
- Chris (Super talketive, little guy)

14/12/07
PoP-ed, Tekong Medical Centre created a huge uproar over my glycosuria. Was down pes-ed to pes D (temporary).
Command school was denied.

20/12/07
Was told to report at SAFAC training school. Didn't even know what was SAFAC. Little did I know, it was going to be one of the most eye-opening times of my life.

01/12/08
My life at SAFAC training school begins. Super memorable times, with much joy, laughter, teasing and friendship.
Thank You!
- Daryl Lee
- Daryl Yeo
- KC
- Wilfred
- Julian
- Xavier
- Favian

01/04/08

On job training at a highly classified base begins... My eyes are opened to really crazy stuff. It's really an unbelievable world out there. Met many people, some people who just didn't like me for who I was. Nonetheless, I did my best, learnt as much as I could.... for a short while.

28/04/08

MMI delivered a report saying that I was combat unfit. I couldn't believe my eyes when I was subsequently to be posted out to a signal unit. Everybody said Stagmont Camp = Slack-mont Camp. I couldn't imagine how much better life could be, being in a military institute.

01/05/08

I thought I died and went to heaven.

... haha.. seriously. Life was good enough to make me think that maybe there are some softer sides to the army after all.

I had independent will to chart, organize and manage my own rooms, my own computers, my own books. I truly put in my heart and soul to something I thought I could finally call my own achievement if I put in my best.

Stagmont camp was to hold some of the best memories of my army experience ever.

01/08/08

Reversal of roles. Suddenly, the old made way for the new, and more then three-quarters of my seniors ORDed. I was caught really unprepared. I had to take on the role of the IC for my institute as the first IC decided to give up his place for a smoother path.

Life became quite hellish for a few months.

But complain as I might, I never ever lost my gratitude to God for giving me such a great place to work in.

14/08/09

ORD.

I damm hell left a lot of precious memories behind in the Army. And no. I left army with a full experience that no where, work, study or play could ever give me.

The good times, where I could doze off in an air conditioned room, without the fear of work incomplete. Where I could laugh my balls off at the lame jokes that some dicks put on the army intranet...

.. where when I almost fell down with my full field pack because I was so tired, if not for my buddy who pulled me up..

.. where my bunk mates all ran to carry my legs just to "cheat" that one more pull up so that I could win another platoon mate in the number of pull ups ..

.. where we sat and crapped and complained about the horrid sealed rations that we were provided, especially Chicken Dumplings and Ponteh Rice.

The bad times, where I was slammed with so much work I had to stay overnight 2 days in a row just to man and operate the system when everybody was on holiday. Where the office was silent and empty, everybody gone to do their orders.

... where I felt that I could not go on, and prayed till I cried in my bashar tent...

... where some of my colleagues found out my darkest secret and decided to announce it to the whole world...

... where I saw OCS fall just out of my grasp, when it was one of my biggest dreams.

haha... I can't believe I'm crying writing this.

The Army, as much as I would not like to say it, played a bigger role in changing me then many other places.

I love my army life.

And thus begins my life at Mediacorp. This time, it won't be just 2 years I reckon. The trials through fire in Army will seem like a breeze compared to this if rumors serve me well.

I may not be able to blog so much because of work anymore. But hopefully, the memory of this blog will keep me coming back to record my new phase...

With this, I close another chapter in my life.

Claire Kuo - 不藥而癒

I waited for you till the winter
Till the snow clouded my eyes
I tried to turn back, to look for our love
to look for how we first met

Instead, you put on your coat
While my heart froze further
If I gave up on this love first
Will my heartache ever heal?

Looking at the sadness that could never be healed
I believed in that your strength could take us through
I thought, we agreed it would be like a holiday
But why do I feel so lonely and cold inside?

Looking at the sadness heal so slowly
I am determined to comfort myself;
I would rather believe you changed your mind suddenly
And went to another beautiful town
Waiting for me to find you again

Did you remember I said my field camp was tough?
Haha. This is pure evidence.

Picture taken on the day after Hawk Coy, Sept-Dec 07' Field Camp

Fate decides who walks into your life;
Yet you are the one decide who stays,
who you allow to walk away and
who you refuse to let leave you.
- 3SG Wei Xing